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As with the definition of cybersex sobriety, each addict’s list of goals for recovery will be different depending on his or her cybersexual history and current life circumstances.A few of the more commonly stated goals are as follows: Once a cybersex addict’s goals for recovery are clearly stated, he or she can move forward with the creation of a Cybersex Boundary Plan, utilizing his or her pre-established goals as an overall guide.This is in sharp contrast to addicts entering treatment for help with substance abuse, who nearly always understand that for them sobriety requires total abstinence from alcohol and illicit drugs.Knowing this, many cybersex addicts want to know, early in the process: “Will I ever be able to have sex again?For the next year, his behaviors did not change and his life actually got worse rather than better.
I would just find a way to rationalize that going back online for sex was OK, just this once, even though I knew it wasn’t.Sometimes these plans are simple, straightforward statements like, “I will not view pornography of any kind,” or, “I will not go online for any sexual purpose no matter what.” More often, however, cybersex addicts require a more elaborate set of guidelines, typically a three-tiered plan constructed as follows: The Inner Boundary: This is addict’s bottom-line definition of sexual sobriety.Here the addict lists the specific sexual behaviors (not thoughts or fantasies) that are causing problems and the need to stop.Instead of permanently abstaining from all sexual activity, recovering sex addicts learn to be sexual in non-compulsive, non-problematic, life-affirming ways.For cybersex addicts to define what sexual sobriety means to them, they must first delineate the sexual behaviors that do and do not compromise and/or destroy their values (sexual fidelity), life circumstances (keeping a job), and relationships.
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For instance, cybersex sobriety for 28-year-old single gay man will probably look very different than cybersex sobriety for a 48-year-old heterosexual married father of three. Instead, the goal is defining a non-compulsive, non-secretive, non-shaming sexual life.